I Sew Myself Shut
by The-Year-of-the-Dragon
Summary: HatoriAyame From Ayames point of view before and during Kana. Warning Self Injury


"I Sew Myself Shut"

Disclaimer: I don't own FB never have, never will but never say never! (Wha ha ha ha ha)

Thanks to KT, Dana, and Jess.

_I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut  
My weakness is that I care too much  
And my scars remind me that the past is real  
I tear my heart open just to feel_

Ayame and Hatori were ambling to Aya's new shop under the dim glow of the street lamps. They where walking very close. Hatori had his strong arm around Ayame's thin waist; it was so bitter outside. They had just finished a candle light dinner. It was their fifth date this month. They have been having dates on Hatori's days off, but most of the time, they went out after Ha'ri's work was finished. Hatori talked a lot tonight, which was unusual; usually he let Ayame do most the talking on their dates, but today he was so excited. They came to the shop's door. Ayame fumbled around in his pocket to get a key. He opened the door. Hatori came in behind him and shut the door. He grabbed Ayame again and pulled Ayame into a tight hug and kissed him passionately on the lips. He bit Ayame's bottom lips. An American song line popped into Ayame's mind: "B_ite my lip, and close my eyes, and take me away to paradise."_ Ayame melted into Hatori's arms. Hatori started kissing down Ayame's neck moving to his collar. He continued to put his warm moist lips against Aya's cold skin; Hatori went along Ayame's collarbone. This act made the little hairs on the back of Ayame's neck rise. "That felt good, I have wanted to do that all night," Hatori mumbled into Aya's neck. He gripped Ayame tightly again and started to leave. "Stay," Ayame said softly and then he started trying to persuade him to stay, petting Hatori's crisp white shirt. Hatori just shook his lovely head and said, " I have new assistant coming in tomorrow early, and I have to be there." Ayame sighed and let Hatori go. "Hatori when can we go out again?" Ayame asked tentatively. "My next day off," Hatori replied and he started to head out the door in the direction of his car that he parked in Ayame's parking spot.

Ayame thought something was wrong when Hatori now seemed to always have something to do on his day off. It was even more suspicious when Hatori broke their plans to go out. About two months after their last date, Hatori called and asked to have dinner with him. A small smile broke on his lips. "Can't wait" was his reply to Hatori's offer. Hatori asked if Shigure could come too. "I can't see why not," Ayame said, and then with a sigh stated, "I wish it could just be us, you never come over anymore." "I know Aya," Hatori responded; he sounded distracted. "I have to go, bye." "See you soon," Ayame cooed softly. He heard the click from the other end. Tomorrow they were going out; at this thought, he did a little dance, and went back to sewing.

The restaurant was very nice; they sat in the back in a booth. Everyone around them was chatting quietly. Ayame finished eating and let those two finish. He was looking at the table and its beautiful abstract designs that entwined like a web of gold leaf on its ruby red background. I must make a coat with a similar design, he thought. Hatori broke his concentration. "I wanted to tell you two something that is very important to me. I have met a girl and I like her a lot. She is my assistant Kana. We have started dating…" Ayame stopped listening, and let this news wash over him. Hatori was so good at coming straight to the point, he thought with a little inward laugh.

It reminded him of a promise Hatori made him that he would not talk to him about any girlfriend unless he was planning to…marry…them. Hatori used to be dating him and now her…so that is why he has been breaking our dates, to go out with…her. How could he? Ayame demanded in his mind. He felt sick, like he was suffocating and his stomach was one big knot. I need a reason to leave, a good reason to leave; he racked his brain. "Um Hatori," he interrupted. "Congratulations, umm can you take me home now? I think the food did not agree with me..."

Hatori looked concerned and sent Shigure home in a cab. He walked with Aya in silence until Hatori started, "Ayame, are you feeling okay?" Ayame nodded and Hatori continued. "Ayame, you know …I am happy with her…she is even fine with the Zodiac thing. You don't know how it is that when every time I see her, my heart skips a beat, my days brightens a little, and I want to pull her in my arms and kiss her… Am I making any sense?" Ayame knew how Hatori felt because that is what happened to him whenever Hatori was around. Hatori walked him to the door. He did not kiss him this time, Hatori just said a short goodbye and asked again if Ayame was okay and then Ha'ri just walked away. Hatori is so happy. Hatori is in love, apparently that is all he cares about. Maybe he is hoping that I just go away and forget about him, Ayame pondered. He went upstairs; his heart was dividing in half. At the beginning of the day his heart was singing and he was in a good mood, because of the prospect of seeing Hatori and now his mood was dark.

Ayame got into his bathroom. He liked his new bathroom; it was HUGE, it had both a separate bathtub and a shower. He striped down, and changed into something more comfortable, a large long sleeve shirt that hung around his ankles. It was loose but warm...

Ayame was now sitting by the window over-looking his courtyard, in his luxurious apartment over his clothes shop, he just moved in to his house. The shop was already set. However, here in his apartment boxes where everywhere and were substituting for chairs and tables. The only things he had really unpacked were his bed and his vanity set with his mirrors and combs and a box of assorted junk that had some makeup, aspirin, toothbrush, a towel, etc.

He hated this news. He felt cold, alone, and abandoned by the news of Kana. The news was one big slap in the face, it meant Hatori did not need Shigure and him, and he did not want them around as much. He could just imagine Hatori moving on with his life with Kana leaving him behind in the past. Sure he was happy that Hatori found someone, but did he have to be left for Hatori to be happy? Hatori used to be happy with him…

When he heard the news he smiled and congratulated Hatori, while inside he felt his heart breaking inside its cage of thin bones.

He put up his mask. The mask of flamboyant stupidity and vanity, he had worn this mask since he was young. It was a way to keep others away… away from hurting him. He had worn it so long that now most people thought him a conceited jerk.

Now he sat here staring at his knife; he did not want to go on. He looked at the other scars on his body, some self-inflicted, and others from his youth when the man before Akito had taken a fancy to Ayame, and Ayame refused him. He shivered, remembering that dark, dank room that smelled of blood…his own, and how the pain was running through his body, setting his veins on fire from the lack of blood that was supposed to flow through them. Ayame pushed those memories out of his mind.

He pulled up his silky shirt's long white sleeve, revealing a forearm that was crisscrossed with thin scars. No one ever saw them or any of the numerous webs of scars that covered his body; because of the clothes he wore; no one ever questioned why he never wore short sleeves. They just accepted that he was cold; they never wondered why even on the hottest day he wore long-sleeved coats. He got up and walked gracefully to his vanity and sat down on a box. He looked into the mirror and saw a too pale man staring back at himself. He detested his looks. He wiped off his makeup that exposed a paler face that had a few light scars across the cheeks. Makeup does wonders, he thought.

Makeup is just a mask. He had a few masks for himself. His physical mask that covered his face. The mental mask, which was an outgoing idiot. This mask also got him attention that he needed, for if he didn't have this mask no one would really notice him; his mother never noticed him after Yuki was born except when he acted brainless. That is what people now expected from him, Yuki was so pretty and Hatori was the smart one, and Shigure was so clever. What was left except that he had to find someway to get noticed? The emotional mask that he covered his feelings; this mask would cover how much people hurt him with comments. He wore these masks everyday. Only two people in the whole world really knew him, Hatori and Shigure, and they only knew half of him. They got brief glances at this unmasked Ayame.

He took the knife and cut along a line in the pattern on his forearm, making it deeper. The warm blood flowed slowly from the cut and down his cadaverous, cold skin to fall on the vanity's mahogany top. The cut hurt, but less than the pain. "In goes the knife out goes the pain, and scars are just stories written on the body" he thought. It was somewhat relieving; he was in control of this and the flow of blood. He watched the blood run its cut course. He made a few more cuts and watched the blood flow; some streams followed the scars, while others went straight down. This was somewhat therapeutic for him, to control something. He loved the heat it gave him. He let the cuts stop on their own accord. Except he noticed the first gash had not slowed down. He took the needle and thread from the top drawer of the vanity and started to stitch the wound back together neatly with small barely noticeable little black X's.

He went to his bathroom and picked up the peach colored towel. He ran it under tepid water, and placed it on his blood-spattered arm and wiped away the blood. He walked effortlessly to the vanity and cleaned it off too, along with his knife. He rolled his sleeve down and brought the now red towel to the bathroom. I will wash it tomorrow, he thought, but now I better get some sleep, and I have a headache. He opened the medicine cabinet and groped for the glass aspirin bottle. He found the small bottle and opened it. He poured about five or six pills in his hand, he did not care anymore; his head hurt too bad. He threw the pills in the back of his mouth and swallowed them dry. He looked into the mirror at his pasty completion, pale pink lips, huge golden yellow eyes, and his too long silver blond hair. He hated it. Why did he have to look the way he did? Why? He threw the bottle at mirror hard enough to break both the bottle and the mirror. He started to sink as the drug took control of his body. He sank to the cold white tile floor. That is were Shigure found him a few hours later.

___There are scars that people see on me. The scars cut upon my skin,_

_but the ones that hurt the most are the scars that slice within. _

___Love is like a knife scarring all I fought to save, _

___Cutting you out of my heart and expecting me to be brave. _

___Now you're gone I cannot cope, screams holler through my mind,_

_never free to just be me. These scars you left behind. _

"AYAME!" Shigure yelled. He found Aya just lying there barely breathing. He had come because Aya said he would call but he never did. It had worried him, and now he was glad he came. He picked Aya up from the cold tile floor, and put him on the soft comfortable bed. Shigure tried to wake Aya but Ayame did not want to wake. "Aya, I'm going to call Tori-san he will help." He said tentatively. Aya stirred. "No, please don't, I'm fine," he said so softly that it was barely audible. "Just leave!" He gained more of his voice. Ayame did not want Hatori to know, he did not want Ha'ri to worry about more things than he had too. Shigure sat down next Aya on the soft bed.

"Aya, we have to tell him. You can't keep doing this to yourself…please stop for…me…I don't know what I would do if I lost you." Shigure sighed after what he had to say was done. Ayame got up slowly and wrapped his thin arms around the sweet dog's neck and hugged him close and whispered in his ear. "Shigure…I am sorry if I hurt you…it helps me…please, I beg you, don't tell Ha'ri, promise me you won't." Shigure let out another sigh and whispered back. "Oh Aya, I won't this time…but if this happens again I will tell him." Ayame just nodded and laid back down.

Shigure left after a few hours, but while he was there he brought chicken soup to Ayame and fed him, and he cuddled Ayame in his strong, warm arms. He only left because he had to go home and finish a story that was due tomorrow. He made sure Ayame was okay and just walked away. Once Shigure was gone, Ayame became sad again. Shigure must not catch me again. He lifted up his sleeve and looked to see how he was healing. A few stitches tore the skin and the cut was bleeding again and had stained his the sleeve of his shirt. He got the thread and needle again and pulled the skin shut using them. I won't do this for a while, let my scars heal, thank the gods Shigure did not see the towel, it fell behind the counter and he did not see it. That was one disaster adverted.

I'm going to smile and make you think

I'm happy; I'm going to laugh so

You don't see me cry,

I'm going to let you go in style

And even if it kills me-I'm going to smile.

Ayame was walking to Hatori's house to visit; he was planning to go shopping and get a chance to talk to Hatori. He knocked briskly on the door. He heard heavy footsteps. Hatori opened the door and barely peeked out from behind. Hatori looked very sleepy, but it was like ten o'clock. "Hi Hatori," Ayame said giddily. "Do you want to come shopping with me? I also want to talk to you. Today is my day off and your day off so…" Hatori's eyes shifted, he looked nervous and said, "Aya I am kind of busy I am-" "Hatori," a woman called from Hatori's bedroom, interrupting him, "Who are you talking to?" She came out wearing a pale pink robe. So this is Kana he thought. He pushed past the door and noticed Ha'ri, who was still hiding behind the door, also wearing a navy blue robe, and you could see his also navy blue boxers. Ayame gulped. He put two and two together. "Ayame," Hatori said cautiously. "This is Kana. Oh Ayame could I see you for lunch next…eh… Saturday?" Ayame only nodded, he put up that idiot mask and winked at Hatori. "I can see you are busy… I will see you then, will you pick me up?" He said mischievously with a little smile. He was inching his way to the door. Must escape this nightmare. He had to mask his horror with a mask of happiness no matter how thin the mask was. He could not let Ha'ri see him this way, he must be happy no matter what he had to smile. His heart ached; he was so embarrassed by seeing this. He left with that, at a near run. He was blushing a little now. I am such an idiot, he thought.

Next Saturday came rolling around so fast it seemed like seconds. All the sudden Hatori was picking him up and Shigure was with him. They went to the same restaurant. "I have a announcement to make, I am going to ask permission from Akito to marry Kana." Hatori started all the sudden. Ayame froze; he was eating his pot sticker plate, but now he lost his appetite. He congratulated Hatori again. Tears began to roll down his cheek. Some small part of him hoped Kana would not stay, and now that part of him died. Hatori did not notice the tears or the fact Ayame wanted to walk home alone. Hatori was swept up in the happiness he felt at this moment that the snow had finally melted.

This pain this hurt locked away in my head,  
nobody knows how inside I am dead

Blood on my wrist, there is a glass in my hand

Nobody knows they can't understand.  
They don't listen so they can't hear me cry  
nobody knows I just wish to die.  
Shaking grasp this plea for release  
nobody knows how the pain will not cease.  
Sadness bleeding everything to the floor,  
Nobody knows I always crave for more,  
Bleeding slowly until my wound will close,  
Dying slowly, Nobody knows.

When Hatori announced he would be marring Kana, Aya went to drastic measures. Hatori did not notice my tears, he thought as he threw him self on his bed. The house still was filled with boxes; he just did not feel like opening them to find pictures of him hugging Ha'ri or anything to remind him of that. He did not want to go on… being forgotten and tossed aside like an old rag. He got up and sat on his white sheets. He felt sick, like his insides where fire. He ran to the bathroom as the vile liquid burned its way up his esophagus and burned the back of his mouth. He vomited in the sink because he could not get to the toilet. The awful liquid left a disgusting after taste. It was the remains of his miserable dinner with some blood mixed in. He washed out his mouth, it still burned, and he just washed out the sink. He straightened himself out and looked at himself, in his new mirror. He looked dead. "I feel dead," he commented to the reflection. I feel alone and…used. An idea emerged in his head; he had thought of this many times, but he would never attempt it while he still had a chance with Hatori, but now he had no reason to live…no one really needed him…and they (Hatori and Shigure) all had their own lives, that were coming together and becoming happy, while his life was dying and dissolving...

He walked over to vanity and found the knife behind a few bottles of makeup. He walked briskly to the bathroom and got into the tub. He didn't want to see tomorrow or any day more, he wanted to die just like his heart. He took the knife and pushed it deeply into his thigh. He sharply pulled it out, the pain running through his leg. He did the same to the other side. He plugged up the tub as an after-thought. He then took the knife and cut up his arm, and then he did the other arm. He laid down in the tub and as it slowly filled with blood. He fell unconscious.

Shigure rushed to Aya's, he knew something was wrong…he'd seen Aya's look at dinner. He got Aya's house key from under the mat. He opened the door and ran to the bathroom…he smelled blood. He ran to the phone and called an ambulance, and then he went to the bathroom. He pulled Ayame out of the tub. The ends of Ayame's hair were dyed with blood, his pale skin was almost translucent and his lips turned blue. Shigure grabbed a towel and stopped the bleeding as best he could and checked for a pulse. There was a weak pulse and shallow breathing. He stayed by Aya until the ambulance came.

He did not call Hatori because he knew what Ayame would do to him. Also, he did not want to burst Hatori's bubble. Ha'ri was going to talk to Akito in a few days and was probably with Kana now and would not answer the phone. Shigure stayed at the hospital waiting room pacing the hall until they told him they stopped the bleeding and that Ayame was going to be okay. The doctor that worked on Ayame came over. "We stopped the bleeding and gave him some blood, he will just need some rest, and you can visit him, he just woke up." Shigure nodded, he was so relieved it was like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

Shigure walked into the pale blue private room. Ayame sat there staring at the wall in that ugly smock. Shigure sat down next to him on that hard cot. He wrapped his arms around Aya. "Aya, if you would have died I would have too. Please don't ever do anything like that, you sacred me so bad." He started; Ayame hugged him back and quietly apologized. " I am sorry Gure-san. Did you get Hatori to come?" "No," he answered. Ayame was relived; he did not want Hatori to see him like this. Ayame had cut the ends of this hair off, they had a few spilt ends anyway, he thought.

Shigure looked at Ayame's skin and noticed the scars. "Where did these come from?" Ayame mumbled "the past," and Shigure did not press the matter. "The doctor said you would be fine. He also suggested you need a therapist." Shigure laughed. Ayame was laughing too. " We all need therapists."

Ayame was out of the hospital two days later with some new scars but in general he was fine. Shigure insisted that Ayame stay with him for a while. Ayame agreed because he did not want to be alone right now.

Shigure got him to his house in a cab because Ayame didn't want to walk all the way there nor did he want to call Hatori for a ride. Shigure's house was in chaos as usual. Books stacked everywhere with boxes and old food accompanying the books. "You have to clean this place up, if Yuki is going to stay here with you." Ayame stated as he moved a stack of paper to take a seat. "Yuki is already here, he could not wait to leave the main house." Shigure chirped. "Shigure is that you?" Yuki called down the stairs as he walked down them, "I am going to order lunch, okay?" "Ahh…hello Ayame I didn't know you were coming…ohm now could you leave?" Ayame thought I have never had such a cold reaction from Yuki, when Yuki was younger, and when he wasn't sick he followed me around, but then again, after all the things I did to him, never helping or playing with him, no wonder he hates me now. I don't blame him. I did not even pay any real attention to the fact he existed, the age difference was just so big and I was not mature back then or even now, but during that time I just lived in my mask to survive, I had my life he had his, and I really did barely see him because of the fact he got so sick so easily…Ayame became lost in thought.

"Ayame will be only staying a few days, is that okay with you Yuki? Also lunch sounds good." Shigure piped up. "Whatever" was Yuki's response in a flat stoic tone and he retreated to his bedroom. He did not even talk to Ayame at all after that conversation. For some reason the way Yuki had treated his visit left an impression on Ayame, but he was not sure what…

Shigure took good care of Ayame. He made sure that Ayame was warm and had that he had eaten dinner. Shigure is too good to me, Ayame thought. However, Ayame could not help the fact he still wished to die. Sure, Gure-san was good to him, but even Shigure was moving on with his own life, he now had some responsibilities; he should not have to worry about Ayame on top of everything else. He started to slowly sink into his dark depression again. I must go on, if not for me but for Shigure, that was his main reason for not trying suicide again.

A few days later, Hatori got hurt. Ayame found another reason to live. Hatori needed him again. Even if Hatori had Kana to comfort him, he wanted Ayame there too. He realized after those days at Shigure's house that he wanted to change, to be someone his friends could be proud to call their friend, to be a better brother, and just simply be better person than he was now.

End

I was in a dark mood, so dark sappy story. There are more poems and quotes like the ones in this story at my homepage, and quotes are from Papa Roach and Anon; there are quotes within the story. Ayame might have seemed OOC but how do you know what is really going on in his head; he could just be wearing a mask.


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